... I want to cry and hug....
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Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Monday, September 7, 2009
Hey Grey Eyes~
2nd May 2009
She came to our house a few days ago. Aunt called and said she couldn’t walk due to the muscle pain. We were all wondering, it must have been the cancer cells that spread to her bones. And so, she came out to the city for some check-ups.
I woke up early that day, and accompanied her to the hospital. She could barely walk and can only be transported with a wheel chair. I pushed her to the check-ups, she’s so light. Her weight reminded me of how old she is. She’s not young anymore, her body is so small that I could even carry her by my own. The nurse first drained a little amount of her blood to run some tests. I told her not to look at the needle while the nurse was gently pushing it into her capillaries, so that she wouldn’t feel any pain. Indeed, she didn’t, but, I did. Looking at the needle being pushed into
her capillaries, there was a sudden rush of tears.
Coming up, the X-ray test. We waited for so long, and the air conditioner was rather chilly. Lucky I reminded her to bring her jacket, but I didn’t. I just wore a shirt with long sleeves, but it was not enough, I was nearly frozen. We awaited for hours, and finally, it’s our turn. The doctor got both the X-ray result and the blood tests result. According to the doctor, she’s just lacking of Potassium. None of her bones are broken, it’s all fine. There’s nothing to do with the cancer cells, for now. She was avoiding bananas which contain high level of Potassium due to the cough back then.
That explained her Potassium level in her blood. We were relieved while we heard that. She had to stay in the hospital for 2 more hours so that she could get herself some Potassium and to raise her Potassium level back to normal, hopefully.
I went to lunch with uncle and aunt. However, that was more than a lunch. I granted myself with a timeout after all the waiting and worrying. While we went back to the hospital for her, she looks fine. I saw the other patient (also an old lady), looks rather awful. Apparently, more awful than her. That old lady couldn’t speak well, couldn’t move well. I found that a dreadful moment looking at her. In the same time, I thank god that my old lady still looks fine. She looks energetic and could still talk, everything seemed well. After 20 minutes of waiting (again), the doctor finally came. She explained that her level of Potassium has been raised to normal. We were, once again, relieved. The doctor said that she could go home for now, and she require her to take pills of Potassium each day. And then we waited (again) at the pharmacy counter.
While waiting, I talked to her and explained briefly about what the doctor’s said. When I look into her grey eyes, I saw her pain. The pain is not only from her bone, but her life. She had worked too hard bring her children up. Her poor life had somehow, tortured her. I saw how hard her life has been. She gave her best to her children and nothing left for herself. She hasn’t seen the other parts of the world with her eyes, she hasn’t done a lot of things. Her grey eyes, were so unique that only she has them. I knew these eyes. They were once blue, while I was still little. Now they were grey.
I don’t really know if they were once blue, or has it always been grey. From her eyes, I saw her worries. She’s worried about what’s happening to her, and that she wouldn’t want to leave us. Again, there was a sudden rush of tears in my eyes. I felt so helpless to her and there seemed to be someone in my heart blaming me. I wished I could cry, but not in front of her of course. I must never be weak in front of her. She needs our support.
I thank god for giving me such a grandma. I thank her for being my grandma. And I’m glad to be her grandson. Grandma, you are a good person, I’ll pray for you and I love you. I’ll never forget your grey eyes. They are a gift I would keep in my heart. ~~~
She came to our house a few days ago. Aunt called and said she couldn’t walk due to the muscle pain. We were all wondering, it must have been the cancer cells that spread to her bones. And so, she came out to the city for some check-ups.
I woke up early that day, and accompanied her to the hospital. She could barely walk and can only be transported with a wheel chair. I pushed her to the check-ups, she’s so light. Her weight reminded me of how old she is. She’s not young anymore, her body is so small that I could even carry her by my own. The nurse first drained a little amount of her blood to run some tests. I told her not to look at the needle while the nurse was gently pushing it into her capillaries, so that she wouldn’t feel any pain. Indeed, she didn’t, but, I did. Looking at the needle being pushed into
her capillaries, there was a sudden rush of tears.
Coming up, the X-ray test. We waited for so long, and the air conditioner was rather chilly. Lucky I reminded her to bring her jacket, but I didn’t. I just wore a shirt with long sleeves, but it was not enough, I was nearly frozen. We awaited for hours, and finally, it’s our turn. The doctor got both the X-ray result and the blood tests result. According to the doctor, she’s just lacking of Potassium. None of her bones are broken, it’s all fine. There’s nothing to do with the cancer cells, for now. She was avoiding bananas which contain high level of Potassium due to the cough back then.
That explained her Potassium level in her blood. We were relieved while we heard that. She had to stay in the hospital for 2 more hours so that she could get herself some Potassium and to raise her Potassium level back to normal, hopefully.
I went to lunch with uncle and aunt. However, that was more than a lunch. I granted myself with a timeout after all the waiting and worrying. While we went back to the hospital for her, she looks fine. I saw the other patient (also an old lady), looks rather awful. Apparently, more awful than her. That old lady couldn’t speak well, couldn’t move well. I found that a dreadful moment looking at her. In the same time, I thank god that my old lady still looks fine. She looks energetic and could still talk, everything seemed well. After 20 minutes of waiting (again), the doctor finally came. She explained that her level of Potassium has been raised to normal. We were, once again, relieved. The doctor said that she could go home for now, and she require her to take pills of Potassium each day. And then we waited (again) at the pharmacy counter.
While waiting, I talked to her and explained briefly about what the doctor’s said. When I look into her grey eyes, I saw her pain. The pain is not only from her bone, but her life. She had worked too hard bring her children up. Her poor life had somehow, tortured her. I saw how hard her life has been. She gave her best to her children and nothing left for herself. She hasn’t seen the other parts of the world with her eyes, she hasn’t done a lot of things. Her grey eyes, were so unique that only she has them. I knew these eyes. They were once blue, while I was still little. Now they were grey.
I don’t really know if they were once blue, or has it always been grey. From her eyes, I saw her worries. She’s worried about what’s happening to her, and that she wouldn’t want to leave us. Again, there was a sudden rush of tears in my eyes. I felt so helpless to her and there seemed to be someone in my heart blaming me. I wished I could cry, but not in front of her of course. I must never be weak in front of her. She needs our support.
I thank god for giving me such a grandma. I thank her for being my grandma. And I’m glad to be her grandson. Grandma, you are a good person, I’ll pray for you and I love you. I’ll never forget your grey eyes. They are a gift I would keep in my heart. ~~~
My Footsteps...
This was my story during the departure from high school. It brings me a lot of memories while reading it again.
28th November 2008
This morning, I woke up a little earlier. Probably because of the habit of waking up early for school. I sat on my bed, and let my thoughts drift along. Why am I waking this early? This chilly morning, seems a little, different. No more, alarm clock, no more waiting for bus, no more uniforms, no more sunrise, no more assembly, no more home works, no more school bags, no more the faces I’d lived with, played with, shared with, and laughed with.
This seems to be a kind of freedom, but this freedom I have, happened to make today so silent. This quietness made me feel as though something were missing. This sudden change, seems so, uncomfortable. I sat by the window, refuse to be back into my dreams. I gazed at the sky, as the sun rises. Spring, summer, autumn and winter, time, is such a crafty and hasty creature. The pavements that I’ve wandered in, the little wooden chair where I used to sit, the broad white board that I’ve written on. These seem familiar, and yet, so far to reach. They were once seen very often, and wouldn’t cost this much of attention. But now, they were entangled in my mind, astounding with every pound of my heart. Things that were once so tiny, turned out massively.
As I walked out that school, I left my footsteps behind, my thoughts, my passion, and probably, some of my memory. How I wish that they will never fade in my heart. If I had a vault, there they will be. My heart struggles as I walk to and fro. It would be glad if I move on, I promised them to. But it’s hard for me to just leave them behind. My heart, struggling, and in the same time, telling me to keep moving forward. What am I suppose to do? Is this a phase?
Those faces that lies beneath my heart, how I wish that they will be seen again. Those faces that gave me warmth, and those faces that gave me courage. I would do anything to ever hug them, to talk to them, or even having the chance to see them. When freedom was brought along, separation and farewell followed. We were all happy, and in the same time, unhappy as well. But we promised each other not to cry, and to see each other again somewhere in the corner of the future. We move on, open up new doors, knowing new faces. But we never forget each other, nor will us be weak. But sometimes I do miss every little thing in that place. That placed called school, mystical, magical, and yet, malicious. It brought us all together, and it broke us up. I might be missing you a lot and my heart will be as though it was torn apart.
Things that happened in this place, will never be put out of my mind. It reminds me of who I am, and what I did. Every single moment, means a lot to me. It always make me laugh when I think of them. Those happy faces, are the faces that I will never ever forget. Perhaps this is life. This may be the price we pay to grow, and learn. But it’s sure expensive to me though. Those were my greatest treasure, and now they were just ashes of payment. I won’t forget what I’ve got, what I’ve seen, what I’ve learnt. This, is where we break up. Perhaps it’s not an ending point, but somehow, a starting point, for all of us. We all, are on our own way now, chasing our dreams, reaching our destiny. Perhaps there will be a corner in the future, where we would meet each other again. Till then, we will have to keep moving forward. We should all cherish what we have, till our lives incinerate into nothingness. It is not easy for people of right feeling to meet in such a big universe. But fate has done that. Don’t forget me, cause I’ll never forget you. When you’re down, think of me, think of my smile, and things we did. Life was never easy, but together, we
are one. I wish you luck for you will all go on your own path, but I’ll look back at the
days we’ve been through quite often, knowing that your smile will never fade off my heart.
You’ll be in my heart, and I’ll love you all forever and for always. Goodbye, my friends.
I’ll be waiting you all in the future. See you all in the future.
28th November 2008
This morning, I woke up a little earlier. Probably because of the habit of waking up early for school. I sat on my bed, and let my thoughts drift along. Why am I waking this early? This chilly morning, seems a little, different. No more, alarm clock, no more waiting for bus, no more uniforms, no more sunrise, no more assembly, no more home works, no more school bags, no more the faces I’d lived with, played with, shared with, and laughed with.
This seems to be a kind of freedom, but this freedom I have, happened to make today so silent. This quietness made me feel as though something were missing. This sudden change, seems so, uncomfortable. I sat by the window, refuse to be back into my dreams. I gazed at the sky, as the sun rises. Spring, summer, autumn and winter, time, is such a crafty and hasty creature. The pavements that I’ve wandered in, the little wooden chair where I used to sit, the broad white board that I’ve written on. These seem familiar, and yet, so far to reach. They were once seen very often, and wouldn’t cost this much of attention. But now, they were entangled in my mind, astounding with every pound of my heart. Things that were once so tiny, turned out massively.
As I walked out that school, I left my footsteps behind, my thoughts, my passion, and probably, some of my memory. How I wish that they will never fade in my heart. If I had a vault, there they will be. My heart struggles as I walk to and fro. It would be glad if I move on, I promised them to. But it’s hard for me to just leave them behind. My heart, struggling, and in the same time, telling me to keep moving forward. What am I suppose to do? Is this a phase?
Those faces that lies beneath my heart, how I wish that they will be seen again. Those faces that gave me warmth, and those faces that gave me courage. I would do anything to ever hug them, to talk to them, or even having the chance to see them. When freedom was brought along, separation and farewell followed. We were all happy, and in the same time, unhappy as well. But we promised each other not to cry, and to see each other again somewhere in the corner of the future. We move on, open up new doors, knowing new faces. But we never forget each other, nor will us be weak. But sometimes I do miss every little thing in that place. That placed called school, mystical, magical, and yet, malicious. It brought us all together, and it broke us up. I might be missing you a lot and my heart will be as though it was torn apart.
Things that happened in this place, will never be put out of my mind. It reminds me of who I am, and what I did. Every single moment, means a lot to me. It always make me laugh when I think of them. Those happy faces, are the faces that I will never ever forget. Perhaps this is life. This may be the price we pay to grow, and learn. But it’s sure expensive to me though. Those were my greatest treasure, and now they were just ashes of payment. I won’t forget what I’ve got, what I’ve seen, what I’ve learnt. This, is where we break up. Perhaps it’s not an ending point, but somehow, a starting point, for all of us. We all, are on our own way now, chasing our dreams, reaching our destiny. Perhaps there will be a corner in the future, where we would meet each other again. Till then, we will have to keep moving forward. We should all cherish what we have, till our lives incinerate into nothingness. It is not easy for people of right feeling to meet in such a big universe. But fate has done that. Don’t forget me, cause I’ll never forget you. When you’re down, think of me, think of my smile, and things we did. Life was never easy, but together, we
are one. I wish you luck for you will all go on your own path, but I’ll look back at the
days we’ve been through quite often, knowing that your smile will never fade off my heart.
You’ll be in my heart, and I’ll love you all forever and for always. Goodbye, my friends.
I’ll be waiting you all in the future. See you all in the future.
Stars*
1st February 2009
Today, I went back to hometown once again. Sitting in the car, I looked out on the side. Slowly, I slept. As I woke up, I arrived. Looking at the things I've grown up with. This, I'll be missing.
As the sky turned gloomy, we packed and head back to the city. I gazed up to the sky, and saw some stars, twinkling. Suddenly, a group of stars appeared from the dark, glowing. I've never seen
such many stars before.
Perhaps, the skies of cities are too bright for them. Being far far away from the city lights, I saw every sparkle, glimmering. Stars, they do not speak. And so, they decided to glow in the
dark, telling their loneliness.
Dreadfully, citizens living in the city lights never had a single opportunity to ever take a look at them. They just faded under the complicated lights of cities.
I saw them, glimmering. No matter how bright they are, or how dim they are, I saw them. And I'm sure I'm not hallucinating. They do not soar, nor do they tangle. They just ignite every chance they get. They tend to tell stories.
During daytime, the sun has snatched their spotlight. They could only illuminate during night. But have you seen them crying? Or have you heard their stories?
Today, I went back to hometown once again. Sitting in the car, I looked out on the side. Slowly, I slept. As I woke up, I arrived. Looking at the things I've grown up with. This, I'll be missing.
As the sky turned gloomy, we packed and head back to the city. I gazed up to the sky, and saw some stars, twinkling. Suddenly, a group of stars appeared from the dark, glowing. I've never seen
such many stars before.
Perhaps, the skies of cities are too bright for them. Being far far away from the city lights, I saw every sparkle, glimmering. Stars, they do not speak. And so, they decided to glow in the
dark, telling their loneliness.
Dreadfully, citizens living in the city lights never had a single opportunity to ever take a look at them. They just faded under the complicated lights of cities.
I saw them, glimmering. No matter how bright they are, or how dim they are, I saw them. And I'm sure I'm not hallucinating. They do not soar, nor do they tangle. They just ignite every chance they get. They tend to tell stories.
During daytime, the sun has snatched their spotlight. They could only illuminate during night. But have you seen them crying? Or have you heard their stories?
Sunday, July 19, 2009
New Chapter~
A peaceful Sunday afternoon~ : )
Now, let's unfold the day tomorrow, with a big wide smile~ As I flip through a new chapter of life~ Ready or not? Here I come! ^ ^
Taylor's College, where my dreams start to establish~ Who would I meet? What would I do? What lies ahead, definitely we can't control~ What we could, is our feelings to it~ : )
I hereby declare! That me! Myself! I! Would do my best! And will never ever ever give up on my dreams! Let's ride on my dream plane and soar above the clear blue sky~ ^ ^
Most important of all, I must remember myself for who I am, and keep on smiling and laughing my ass off~ ^ ^
Taylor! Here I COME!!!
Now, let's unfold the day tomorrow, with a big wide smile~ As I flip through a new chapter of life~ Ready or not? Here I come! ^ ^
Taylor's College, where my dreams start to establish~ Who would I meet? What would I do? What lies ahead, definitely we can't control~ What we could, is our feelings to it~ : )
I hereby declare! That me! Myself! I! Would do my best! And will never ever ever give up on my dreams! Let's ride on my dream plane and soar above the clear blue sky~ ^ ^
Most important of all, I must remember myself for who I am, and keep on smiling and laughing my ass off~ ^ ^
Taylor! Here I COME!!!
ordinary
After all that's been said and done... I'm feeling tired, again...
I've wandered around the city, going different places in one day. The shimmering city lights, passed by like millions of illuminating fishes. I could barely perceive the stars that night.
Spectated the performance by those kids. Thinking back how I used to perform, just to have fun, and to bring joy. As we grew, we tend to be more. More than just ordinary. We'd boost up our vocab; heighten our bombastic words; enrich ourselves by external fashion, just to look fascinating. But that kills lots of ATP energy. At least for me. Being tired... And also the fact that I must be balancing Chinese and English on a lever balance.
Flashbacks of childhood, came along with those good old melody. Remember how innocent and happy I was. But in this reality, people get more and more complicated as they grow. For instance, they don't necessary cry when they're sad, nor will they smile when they're happy. Feelings and expressions just became so indirect.
Attracting people by fascination, cost lots of ATP energy~ So tired man.... Just please be normal now, I want ordinary.... Gotta pick up the shattered feelings on the floor. What I need most, my perfect Sunday afternoon.... Sometimes life could really make you cry though... Yet, dreams still hide in every single corner of it... Whether or not it's a nice one, it's up to us and our intentions. Life don't treat you good, nor bad. In fact, they never did. It's us that's making the choice, but somehow humans just don't see that point... Life, what a life~
People are always trying to be unique, special, distinctive, and that particular one. But don't they know that being simple is what we need? Or did they forget about that beginning of theirs? Perhaps things have been running around in life like crazy nutz... But simplicity, just made the best ornament of life~ Simple and nice....
----Simplicity-----
I've wandered around the city, going different places in one day. The shimmering city lights, passed by like millions of illuminating fishes. I could barely perceive the stars that night.
Spectated the performance by those kids. Thinking back how I used to perform, just to have fun, and to bring joy. As we grew, we tend to be more. More than just ordinary. We'd boost up our vocab; heighten our bombastic words; enrich ourselves by external fashion, just to look fascinating. But that kills lots of ATP energy. At least for me. Being tired... And also the fact that I must be balancing Chinese and English on a lever balance.
Flashbacks of childhood, came along with those good old melody. Remember how innocent and happy I was. But in this reality, people get more and more complicated as they grow. For instance, they don't necessary cry when they're sad, nor will they smile when they're happy. Feelings and expressions just became so indirect.
Attracting people by fascination, cost lots of ATP energy~ So tired man.... Just please be normal now, I want ordinary.... Gotta pick up the shattered feelings on the floor. What I need most, my perfect Sunday afternoon.... Sometimes life could really make you cry though... Yet, dreams still hide in every single corner of it... Whether or not it's a nice one, it's up to us and our intentions. Life don't treat you good, nor bad. In fact, they never did. It's us that's making the choice, but somehow humans just don't see that point... Life, what a life~
People are always trying to be unique, special, distinctive, and that particular one. But don't they know that being simple is what we need? Or did they forget about that beginning of theirs? Perhaps things have been running around in life like crazy nutz... But simplicity, just made the best ornament of life~ Simple and nice....
----Simplicity-----
Sunday, June 28, 2009
-- Just a day --
Still staying up at this time, 3 a.m. As usual, sleeping late, had instant noodle after 11.30p.m. Seems like a habit, and doesn't sound like a pleasant one.
Well, today's 28 June. No more 27~
Birthday? Sounds like just an ordinary day to me. As usual, no celebration, no present, but there's still plain greetings. That's enough. Perhaps, more than enough for me. Woke up 10.30 yesterday, went out and get something. Slept again after getting home. Skipped lunch, woke up on 3.
Went out for dinner with mom a little earlier since there wasn't lunch. We passed by the shop, and she asked me if I want any cake. I said "no".
Wasn't feeling good for one that moment. Well, every year there hasn't been any celebration. It seems a little odd if there IS celebration. I think I'm used to being alone. Just wanted to be alone, and wanted nobody to be in the house. Just me~ Didn't purposely ask for friends to hang out. They're tired after the school activity, and I didn't mind it, at all. Not feeling anything.
Was feeling bland, as often and usual. Didn't even have an actual dinner with my family yesterday. Was rushing to a full dress rehearsal of the 7.11 performance. People greeted me when they know it's my birthday. Paid back with a smile from me. That's all. Seemed like there wasn't any reason to be cheerful, nor be sorrowful of course. Was just, normal, bland...
Got a present though, before going back to home. And, mom asked if I was happy getting a present. And I said "It's normal, not too happy, just normal..." Well, it's just a normal day after all~ Sat in front of the desktop.... tick... tock... It's after 12, no more 27 it is... Another day just gone by~ Or somehow drifted by~ Well, you see... Time flows, and the future, it'll crawl nearer... Listening to the country, and in the brain others' no entry~ Well~ watch as the day unfold~ It's another day~
Hhmmm... Turning 18? What's the difference? Doesn't feel any difference occurring... No unique feelings, no special thought, and when people ask what I wished for, since everyone wishes on their birthday. But, I didn't, couldn't even tell what's the wish on my mind. Just simply joke it over~ Well, all these years, I've learnt to be a crybaby a little more often, sometimes being cruel, not afraid of the dark anymore, sometimes even fiercer.... Used to being alone, but still afraid of coldness... However, those feelings are fading, those old and fancy ones. Not just into thin air, but into the dynamic cosmo.... Those special ones.... Well, 18, a new starting point, guess I'll have to grab myself a painter, and paint my feelings back again~ It's on my hand now....
Used to being alone, still. Sometimes alone doesn't really mean lonely. There isn't an equal sign to it. Maybe I'm thinking this way coz I'm used to it... Using an afternoon just to sit or lie on a bed or a sofa, hear no one's voice, sight no one's shadow, just me and myself and the little cozy noon~ The motivation wasn't there, not anymore.... Wasn't much feeling to hang out or whatever... Just wanna stay put thinking nothingness... And that little "Sunday afternoon" is still my favourite~ At the end, the day's just tied together with a smile : ] Not a wide one though, just an ordinary one~
Well, today's 28 June. No more 27~
Birthday? Sounds like just an ordinary day to me. As usual, no celebration, no present, but there's still plain greetings. That's enough. Perhaps, more than enough for me. Woke up 10.30 yesterday, went out and get something. Slept again after getting home. Skipped lunch, woke up on 3.
Went out for dinner with mom a little earlier since there wasn't lunch. We passed by the shop, and she asked me if I want any cake. I said "no".
Wasn't feeling good for one that moment. Well, every year there hasn't been any celebration. It seems a little odd if there IS celebration. I think I'm used to being alone. Just wanted to be alone, and wanted nobody to be in the house. Just me~ Didn't purposely ask for friends to hang out. They're tired after the school activity, and I didn't mind it, at all. Not feeling anything.
Was feeling bland, as often and usual. Didn't even have an actual dinner with my family yesterday. Was rushing to a full dress rehearsal of the 7.11 performance. People greeted me when they know it's my birthday. Paid back with a smile from me. That's all. Seemed like there wasn't any reason to be cheerful, nor be sorrowful of course. Was just, normal, bland...
Got a present though, before going back to home. And, mom asked if I was happy getting a present. And I said "It's normal, not too happy, just normal..." Well, it's just a normal day after all~ Sat in front of the desktop.... tick... tock... It's after 12, no more 27 it is... Another day just gone by~ Or somehow drifted by~ Well, you see... Time flows, and the future, it'll crawl nearer... Listening to the country, and in the brain others' no entry~ Well~ watch as the day unfold~ It's another day~
Hhmmm... Turning 18? What's the difference? Doesn't feel any difference occurring... No unique feelings, no special thought, and when people ask what I wished for, since everyone wishes on their birthday. But, I didn't, couldn't even tell what's the wish on my mind. Just simply joke it over~ Well, all these years, I've learnt to be a crybaby a little more often, sometimes being cruel, not afraid of the dark anymore, sometimes even fiercer.... Used to being alone, but still afraid of coldness... However, those feelings are fading, those old and fancy ones. Not just into thin air, but into the dynamic cosmo.... Those special ones.... Well, 18, a new starting point, guess I'll have to grab myself a painter, and paint my feelings back again~ It's on my hand now....
Used to being alone, still. Sometimes alone doesn't really mean lonely. There isn't an equal sign to it. Maybe I'm thinking this way coz I'm used to it... Using an afternoon just to sit or lie on a bed or a sofa, hear no one's voice, sight no one's shadow, just me and myself and the little cozy noon~ The motivation wasn't there, not anymore.... Wasn't much feeling to hang out or whatever... Just wanna stay put thinking nothingness... And that little "Sunday afternoon" is still my favourite~ At the end, the day's just tied together with a smile : ] Not a wide one though, just an ordinary one~
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